Each morning repeats itself with the same pattern until it doesn't. Last Tuesday started out the same as every other day. I had already made coffee and was casually reading the daily news while sipping the morning brew when I heard my wife's footsteps on the stairs.
I'm always up before her with fresh coffee made. Just what a husband does. A jolt of caffeine always awakes the senses, but today her senses surged to DEFCON 1.
I heard her shriek. "What's that? What's that?" She gasped for air.
"Huh! You talkin to me?"
She repeated her question with a siren scream. "What's that? What's that?" Contorting her face she pointed her finger towards the kitchen counter below the coffee maker.
I jumped out of my chair and crept over to take a look expecting to find a spider or large bug on the floor. No. not a spider, or bug nor a frog, but a SNAKE, a living breathing cold-blooded REPTILE coiled up on the floor next to the refrigerator.
“Stand back,” I warned. "I’ll take care of this."
My wife still standing on the stairs said. "Yes, do it quickly. . . and we're selling the house."
"Really, and why would anyone want to buy a snake-infested house?” I peeked over my glasses at her and shrugged. "Okay, I'll get my work gloves. . . Keep an eye on him."
I rushed to the garage and brought back a pair of leather work gloves. I felt it was adequate protection for this creature. I approached the serpent from behind with caution. With my lightning-speed reflexes, I grabbed the viper and fell to the floor grappling with the intruder until I gained control. Well, not exactly. That’s how I see myself portrayed in the movie, the Brad Pitt version. Actually, I picked him up with two fingers then tossed him in the backyard. He did have his mouth open in an aggressive way, but that’s no big deal for a snake wrangler. I felt confident. My work here is done.
When I came back in the house my wife asked, “What did you do with it?”
“I threw it in the backyard, and before you ask they’re good for the environment. They eat mice.”
“Good for the OUTSIDE environment.” She shivered. ”How big was it?”
I threw my shoulders back. “It was every bit of two feet, with the girth of my pinky.”
“What kind?” she asked.
“Well, I’m not an expert but I think it was a garter snake, but I’ll check with Google.”
“I can’t believe you didn’t see him when you made the coffee.” she continued her line of questioning.
“He might have come in after me. Maybe he’s got his own key.” I gave her a devilish grin. ”I had just gotten up, so I wasn’t fully awake.”
“That’s it, I’m going to call someone to check our house for the rest of the snake family.”
My wife made a few phone calls and chose Humane Wildlife Solutions as the company to come over and wrangle the remaining snake population, but the appointment was a week away. So for the next week every time we opened a drawer or cabinet, we looked for an uninvited guest but found none.
On Tuesday the snake guy came and checked the premises inside and out but found no snakes. He explained where we could seal up spots in our siding to keep mice and snakes out of the house. Snakes only come in the house in search of their prey or to get a hot cup of coffee. Ha!
He said based on the size of the snake I described, it was a juvenile.
“Well, of course. It’s always a juvenile causing problems,” I said. “and that also explains the snake graffiti on the cabinet toe kick.”
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