Vacation duty: Three days on and three days off watching the grandkids (5 & 2). Sounds doable. We wake them up, feed them, take them to school, pick them up after school, feed them again, give them a bath, and put them to bed. That’s the basic plan, although there are variations to it, but how hard can it be? I’m a fully grown adult with many life skills, so the little ones just need to learn who’s the boss.
Mimi and I are watching them at their house to make it less disruptive for them. Sure, we’ll sleep in an unfamiliar bed with different house noises, but it’ll be fine. Oh! They have a dog, Reeces, but she’s fifteen, so we won’t be chasing her around. They also have that Alexa machine thing. It turns on the lights and white noise. Actually, it does many things, I’m told. This may be easier than I thought. I’ll have time to do more writing.
Our day starts in the afternoon. Our first job, is picking up the kids from school. They attend two different schools. Stella’s school is down the street, walkable. Henry’s is a fifteen-minute drive in good traffic. Since we leave at the same time, I dropped Mimi off at Stella’s school then I drive to Henry’s school to pick him up. It’s important to note you can’t just wait outside for them to rush out the door. No, no, you have an app on your phone. This allows you to check them in/out if you are on their pickup list. No problems there; we are list approved.
GPS took me to Sprout, the daycare school. I successfully navigated the app and checked Henry out of school, then put him in his $500 car seat. Henry immediately yelled, “Where’s Mimi?”
“Papa’s here. Mimi’s at home with Stella.”
The young girl at school handed me a bag of soiled clothes and said, “Henry had an accident.”
“
I’m sorry; I’m sure he didn’t mean it.” That was a lie. He really didn't care.
The drive home was uneventful aside from the crazy-ass drivers that you have to deal with, but that is now the norm. We arrived home safe, and as I pulled into the driveway, Henry yelled, "Mimi."
I pop him out of the car, and he ran into the yard to play with Stella on the swing set. Mimi and I spend the next half hour with the kids in the yard then dragged them in the house for dinner. We let Reeces out to do her business. She came back in and pooped on the floor in five different spots. Oh, joy! I explain her behavior to Mimi by saying she's old, deaf, and probably doesn't know what she just did.
I yell. "Alexa, pick up the dog poop."
"I'm sorry I don't do that. I can call a service." Alexa responded.
"No, we'll get it." Mimi cleans it up before the kids run through it.
Henry screams for a snack. I tell him. "No, it's too close to dinner.." He screams louder.
Stella grabs a snack and tells me. "These are healthy snacks." Henry shrieks. I gave Henry a snack.
Dinner is served. We have spaghetti. Stella promptly tells us not to cook hers. What the hell does that mean? We find out that means she likes it cold, so we let it sit on the counter until it meets her criteria.
Henry stirs it around, spills it on the floor, then knocks over his milk. Stella moans about the hamburger in the spaghetti. "I don't like hamburger."
I know it's only a few days ago, but I don't remember what they actually ate that night. Dinner's over, and it's playtime before bath. Bedtime can't come fast enough. They bathe together because it's easier (misleading term) then they brush their teeth. Bath time is a struggle because Henry is tired, and Stella lollygags.
Mimi got a phone call as Henry ran out of the bathroom. He went into Stella's room and found her makeup. Without going into detail, let me just say he was prepared to play the part of Joker in Batman.
After the bath, Stella dresses herself and set her school clothes out for school the next morning. Sounds easy when you say it fast, but it could take twenty minutes. Finally, she's dressed after I repeatedly tell her to put pajamas on. In the meantime, Mimi gets Henry ready for bed, simple words but not a simple task.
Stella turns on all the white noise stuff, then we read each of them two books. Henry goes to bed easily most nights; thankfully, this is one. Stell goes to bed without any issues, but she gets up often with a list of reasons why she should stay up. She’s a negotiator.
By 8:30 pm, Stella finally gives up and stays in bed. Now we have alone time. I tell Alexa to turn on the family room lights. She answers. "I don't have family room lights. What lights would you like switched on?"
"The light right over my head - Dumbass."
Alexa answered, "I can't see, so I don't know what you're talking about. Now, who's the dumbass?"
"Can you turn the lights on in the living room or family room? Maybe just turn on all the friggin lights on in the whole friggin house."
"That's not a command I have. Sounds like you have some anger management issues. I could sign you up for a class."
"No, thanks. There's a light by the couch. Can you turn that on?"
"Oh! The couch light. Of course, couch light on. See, that's all you needed to say."
“Yay!”
Reeces has been circling around the family room since 9:00 p.m. wanting to go to bed, but she wants us to go as well. Finally, at 10:00 p.m., we headed to bed. We’re both exhausted and welcome the rest. Reeces sleeps in a dog bed in our bedroom.
Mimi and I both sleep well, but I got up in the middle of the night only to find that Reeces moved from her bed to the middle of the room, directly into my path to the bathroom. Enough said; it was noisy with lots of yelping, but she moved back to her bed.
I’m an early riser, so I got up at 6:00 a.m. and made coffee. Mimi normally sleeps longer, but this week is not normal, so she was up by 6:30 a.m. She was quick to inform me that Reeces pooped again.
“Great! Where? I don’t see it.”
“By her dog bed. She must have pooped in her sleep.”
“Wonderful! Sleep poop, I didn’t know that was possible.” I sipped my coffee. “Alexa, can you help us out here?”
“Certainly, couch light on.”
“Never mind.”
Stella got up at 7:00, and Mimi brought Henry down at 7:15. Mimi asked Stella what she wanted for breakfast. I said, “She’s getting waffles.” I threw two waffles in the toaster, one for each kid.
When they popped, I buttered them, cut them up, and poured on syrup. That was easy, I thought.
Stella informed me that there was not enough butter on every piece. I explained that it was because it melted. Apparently, that was not the right answer. I rebuttered her waffle. Henry dropped his on the floor and screamed. I told him once it’s on the floor, it belongs to Reeces.
Stella asked for another waffle, and Henry ate a banana. When breakfast was over, Mimi dressed Henry for school. Stella was already dressed because she chose her school clothes the night before. We got in the car about 7:45. I dropped Mimi and Stella at her school. It was close so Mimi could walk home while I took Henry to daycare. All the way to daycare, Henry yelled, “Mimi.”
I checked him in without issues, then drove back to the house. We were free until 5:00 p.m. When I arrived back home, Mimi said, “We need to clean this place up.”
I said, “Alexa, clean the house.”
“I’m sorry I don’t clean, but I can call a maid service.”
“So, what good are you? All you do is turn on lights.” I shook my head. “I can turn on lights.”
Alexa questioned. “Oh! Really. Can you now? Couch light off.”
“Wow, bitch!”
