Snake in the Garage

     Back in the 80's we moved to a house in St. Charles County on south highway 94.  At that time there was not much around us.  We lived in Cedar Glen Subdivision with a small patch of woods behind us with only an Amoco Station across the highway.  Being so removed from a busy metropolitan are we frequently saw many animals roam through our yard like deer, turkeys, raccoons, fox, etc.

     One summer day I was in the kitchen about ready to go outside through the garage.  We had the kitchen door open to the garage but it had a screen door to let the breeze in.  As I was about to open the screen door to step out into the garage I noticed a snake laying across the step.  Now, my first thought was the kids were playing a joke on me, we had a toy snake about 4 ft long, I don't remember why I bought it but I did, so I first assumed it was the toy snake the kids placed on the step to scare me.  In fact I was 90% sure it was the toy snake but that 10% doubt made me hesitate.  I stood there watching the snake laying still on the step when to my surprise it suddenly moved, Ok! not a toy snake.

     The garage was the main place we entered the house so I knew I needed to get the snake to leave as my wife (Mimi) would not want to share the garage with a snake even though it was not dangerous.  Mimi has a snake scream that is instantly recognizable from any other scream: it's a high pitched scream or screech that will get the attention of any human or animal within a 3-mile radius. So my first instinct was to bang on the screen door to get the snake moving on the right direction, which was out of the garage. This worked somewhat in that he slithered over to the side of the garage where I store all my junk like others I'm sure, like fertilizer, lawn tools, old tire, golf clubs, etc.  I immediately went to the golf clubs and pulled out a 4 iron (my best club on most courses).  I could hear the evil snake moving along the wall bumping junk along the way.  I decided the best approach was to hook him with the 4 iron and hurl him out to the driveway.  This was a good plan except for the fact my car was parked in the driveway, but damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead.  I hooked the snake just as I planned and with a mighty swing I hurled him right on to my car antenna, Wow! What a shot, not at all like I planned as it is with most of my golf swings.

     The snake is now curled up on my car antenna, not sure if this is any better situation than before but luckily he slid off on to the driveway and he is not very happy with me at this time, which I could tell by the hissing.  Although he is no longer in the garage he is still too close to the house so I figured one more toss ought to put him out into the yard at a safe distance so he could slither back into the woods.  I again hooked him and hurled him out into the yard but it was as if I was using a pitching wedge because he went high but not very far and now he was even more pissed at me.  I watched him for a minute and he didn't seem to be leaving so just like with golf it was going to take me 3 drives to get to the green.  Thankfully for him and me with my 3rd try I successfully hurled him a good distance and he retreated to the woods.  Marlin Perkins would be unhappy with my animal handling technique and Arnold Palmer would be ashamed for me.